Trying to Love: Reflections from My Journey

 From the Gospel of This Day, Thursday of the 9th Week in Ordinary Time (Mark 12:28–34).

This Gospel today talks about love.

Before I begin, I would like to remind us that by love (or loving), I do not mean that fleeting emotion which changes like the weather; that which makes us feel excited at one moment and sad or cold towards the same person the next; that which makes us present now and switched off the next time. This is often simply a response to our inner brokenness in our attempt to survive. As a result, we often end up deceiving and wounding ourselves and others in the name of love.

Rather, by love I mean that delicate and vulnerable experience which each of us inwardly desires and needs. No matter who we are, we need genuine love and are called to give it.

Most of us, of course, have been truly hurt while trying to give this genuine love, and many no longer believe that it is possible either to receive it or to give it. So we hear things like, "Who has love ever helped?" or "Let me make money first," or "Give me money first, and love will come later."

In both of these cases, we are reducing love to something transactional. We either intend to be loved because of what we have or what we have achieved, or we choose to love what others have or can offer us. I believe that anyone reading this is mature enough to understand that I am not saying that we do not give or receive things when we love or are loved. We all know that the things we have are often shared freely when genuine love exists.

Doesn't it strike us that even in places where people possess abundant material resources and enjoy laws that protect their rights, many still suffer from loneliness, depression, and deep emotional wounds? Even societies with great material prosperity continue to struggle with isolation and despair. This reminds us that material security alone cannot satisfy the human need for genuine love.

Hence, in the midst of the many demands and commandments we have, and regardless of the condition in which we find ourselves—as teachers, students, siblings, friends, colleagues, employers, employees, spouses, mentors, or pastors—one thing remains essential: love.

Jesus presents this need as having two inseparable dimensions: love of God with everything we have and love of our neighbour as ourselves (Mk 12:29–31).

I truly understand that many of us are thinking about our need to be loved, understood, cared for, and accepted. Yet today, the Gospel is not saying, "You are to be loved by your neighbour." Rather, it says, "You are to love God and your neighbour."

This reminds me of a strategy that many of us unconsciously carry into friendships, relationships, and even marriages: seeking those who love us rather than those whom we genuinely love. Someone once told me how his mother advised him only to date people who loved him and not those whom he loved. One can only imagine the game that is often being played out there.

Since love is first a commandment we receive from God, I would like to share a few things that I have discovered along the way. These are personal discoveries and experiences, and therefore they may not apply to everyone. They emerged from pain and disappointment, yet they have helped me continue making genuine efforts to love.

I share them only because I believe that anyone who sincerely seeks the truth will be led by the Holy Spirit to discover what can help him or her live out this commandment with greater ease. At the same time, I do not wish to remain indifferent to the fears and wounds many of us carry as we try to obey this command.

It was in 2016 that I discovered that I could not love people and remain sane unless I constantly remembered that God loved me first and that, in loving others, I was loving God back through them.

After the retreat that brought me to this realization, I returned to the same difficult situation and to people who were genuinely toxic. One of my closest friends at the time later told me that he often felt jealous and disturbed seeing how I was able to do certain things with such ease. Yet I returned with renewed strength and energy that lasted for months.

It was during that period that I composed one of the prayers that accompanied me for years:

"Lord, may everything I do flow from Your love for me and from my love for You."

This prayer sustained me for a long time, especially whenever I remained faithful to my prayer life.

Yet something was still missing. That is where the second part of the commandment comes into play: "Love your neighbour as yourself."

I later discovered that I could not continue pouring out from an empty cup. Therefore, I needed to learn to love myself.

More than one friend had told me that I did not love myself. But what does loving oneself actually mean?

Again, it was during a moment of crisis that I was forced to focus on myself. I began to discover things that I had long neglected. I had never fully acknowledged the effects and weight of some of the traumas and wounds I had received from people who were supposed to care for me, or from people who claimed to be friends but were present only for their own convenience.

The truth, as always, sets us free.

I had to allow the truth, regardless of my emotions, to examine situations and reveal patterns. This did not mean that these people were evil. Rather, I had to learn to distinguish between friends and beneficiaries.

The command to love remains. It is one thing for Jesus to weep over the death of Lazarus, whom He loved. It is another thing for Him to experience profound loneliness and anguish in Gethsemane because His closest companions—Peter, James, and John—could not remain awake with Him.

Truth be told, many of us live superficially. We remain distracted and often avoid anything that forces us to confront the truth about ourselves. We worry about what to say and how to act, yet when our actions are not rooted in an authentic interior life, circumstances eventually expose the reality.

Making this distinction has helped me accept people for who they truly are rather than for who they promise to be or pretend to be. Many of our hurts come because we expect people to offer something—patience, support, understanding, a listening ear, comfort, or relief—and then discover that they cannot.

However, when we courageously face the truth and allow it to help us accept reality, we become more capable of obeying this commandment to love.

Perhaps you were expecting me to speak about how to discern where genuine love may be found and received. Forgive me. I am not denying this genuine desire, which I too continue to seek. Rather, I simply wish to share what has helped me continue living out the commandment we have received: to love.

Ifeanyichukwu
Thursday, 4 June 2026